Tired of Hiding

A few weeks ago, two to be exact i was sitting on my ass feeling really bad about myself. What was i going to do to support myself and my ill father if i couldn't even get a job at a gas station. What was i going to do. I had omitted my felony to Kohls and got fired because of that decision to lie about my past. So, i had made up my mind to be honest in all interviews, and i am still unemployed. Getting interviews is easy, it is landing the position that proves fleeting. I have put a lot of effort into hiding a huge part of what has shaped me for the last two years. Afraid to mention the wrong thing at work and be discovered. Afraid of saying the wrong thing on facebook and being discovered by my "Friends" who don't know. A big part of my hiding is that i just wanted to be done with it. Tired of being identifed as the girl who shot her lover's wife, went to prison. I beleived that when i earned my freedom i could move on, was told to move on, yet how do i do that when im sitting in a small office in a run down gas station talking about my actions from 18 years ago. Only to be told the job was not mine. So i decided to get out my own challenges knowing i must not be the only one. Last night i was asked if i had gotten any bad reactions to what i have written in the last two weeks. And my first thought was worse than being judged by a gas station worker? Being judged by a grocery store manager. I cant fight Google, if you want to hate me or judge me Google has all the reason you could ever need. Im exhausted running away from something so damn permanent. Instead i think im going to ride the truth. Not just the "Google" Truth, but my own as well. What if is took this time of challenge to speak out about how hard i have to work to prove my worth out here. What if I stepped out in my truth, perhaps a few would have theier eyes opened that redemption, learning, growth and maturation is possible in someone who did something so horrendoues. What if i in documeting how crappy this feels, another person just getting out will stumble upon what i have written here and will find encouragment that they are not alone? What if this lament gives them hope to keep getting up when the stuggle seems to much? That would make all of this worth it, right? In the past two weeks i have had the most incredible responses from the least likely of people. It seems i have something to learn about being judgemental myself. I assumed that all the people who knew me before crime (bc) hated me and this has not been the case. I have been encouraged to keep on, valued that my struggle is worth something. I wish all of you could know that my goal in life is heal people, healed people, heal people, this i know for sure. Thank you for your support! I am done hiding, instead im going to focus on becoming...