Tired of Hiding

A few weeks ago, two to be exact i was sitting on my ass feeling really bad about myself. What was i going to do to support myself and my ill father if i couldn't even get a job at a gas station. What was i going to do. I had omitted my felony to Kohls and got fired because of that decision to lie about my past. So, i had made up my mind to be honest in all interviews, and i am still unemployed. Getting interviews is easy, it is landing the position that proves fleeting. I have put a lot of effort into hiding a huge part of what has shaped me for the last two years. Afraid to mention the wrong thing at work and be discovered. Afraid of saying the wrong thing on facebook and being discovered by my "Friends" who don't know. A big part of my hiding is that i just wanted to be done with it. Tired of being identifed as the girl who shot her lover's wife, went to prison. I beleived that when i earned my freedom i could move on, was told to move on, yet how do i do that when im sitting in a small office in a run down gas station talking about my actions from 18 years ago. Only to be told the job was not mine. So i decided to get out my own challenges knowing i must not be the only one. Last night i was asked if i had gotten any bad reactions to what i have written in the last two weeks. And my first thought was worse than being judged by a gas station worker? Being judged by a grocery store manager. I cant fight Google, if you want to hate me or judge me Google has all the reason you could ever need. Im exhausted running away from something so damn permanent. Instead i think im going to ride the truth. Not just the "Google" Truth, but my own as well. What if is took this time of challenge to speak out about how hard i have to work to prove my worth out here. What if I stepped out in my truth, perhaps a few would have theier eyes opened that redemption, learning, growth and maturation is possible in someone who did something so horrendoues. What if i in documeting how crappy this feels, another person just getting out will stumble upon what i have written here and will find encouragment that they are not alone? What if this lament gives them hope to keep getting up when the stuggle seems to much? That would make all of this worth it, right? In the past two weeks i have had the most incredible responses from the least likely of people. It seems i have something to learn about being judgemental myself. I assumed that all the people who knew me before crime (bc) hated me and this has not been the case. I have been encouraged to keep on, valued that my struggle is worth something. I wish all of you could know that my goal in life is heal people, healed people, heal people, this i know for sure. Thank you for your support! I am done hiding, instead im going to focus on becoming...

Is a Masters Degree enough?

I am thankful for all of the wonderful people who wrote me encouraging words to not give up and believe that all of this is so i can be of service to others. All of which I heard, what I need is a JOB. I stuggle with knowing that I am a great counselor, especially with my background coupled with my education. My felony however, precludes me from this avenue of service. So, in an effort to show I am willing to do anything I applied to work at McDonalds, and a Gas Station, and several others, all of whom declined to hire becuase of my past. I think about this being so difficult for me how bad must it be for those who have no family support, or ability to get higher education. I am lucky because my only dependents are my ill father and my 3 dogs. Everyone is full of advice or platitudes about keeping my chin up, or all of this will be used for good, not evil. Good, I can be of service homeless. That is showing what a "Good Citizen" I am. I worked extremely hard upon my release, for almost two years i attended 3 different colleges to complete my Bachelors Degree in Business and my Master's Degree in Psychology. Taking 24 units a semester to complete both of these degrees in 3 years. I thought such dedication and determination to educate myself would out weigh my decisions from nealry 19 years ago. I am devastated by how wrong I was. Nothing takes away from or soothes over my mistake. Did i waste my time in getting two degrees? Personally, I feel I accomplished something pretty great, great for any normal person, let alone someone who had just gotten out of the big house. I hoped that my future employers would value this desire to be the best JoAnn i can be. I am so beaten down by the encompassing judgement that i just feel like i wasted my time. A friend quoted to me that it doesn't matter how many times we fall down, but how we get up, every time I am denied a job, I apply for another. I know i am Good Enough, just looking for the person who knows it as well.

Frustration!

I just realized how long it has been since I wrote anything on here. My last post was not long after I graduated from the University of Santa Monica with a Master's Degree in Spiritual Psychology. I had moved down to LA to be closer to my USM peeps, my tribe. Within a few months, my dad fell ill and I made the decision to pack myself up and move 12 hours north to take care of him. Almost as soon as I arrived my new Parole Officer was on me about finding a job. I had no problem getting interviews, had more than i can count, was honest about my felony from at that time more than 16 years prior, yet no one extended me an offer of employment. So, I made the decision to Omit my felony when applying to Kohls Department Store. There is always the question, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony, and if so when and where and give a brief description." I said NO. I was hired within a week to work in the Customer Service Department. Within two months I was given the added responsibilty of the Cash Office, which is counting all the money incoming and outgoing. I did my best for 14 months, kept trying to move my way up. Everytime I applied for a promotion, I was told they needed me in were I was because I was so good at it. Then in late March 2012, I got to work at 5:45 in the morning. At promptly 6am I was pulled into the Managers office and told they did a further background check finding my felony. He fired me for lying on my job application. Since then I have interviewed for jobs ranging from a Counselor position for people diagnosed with HIV/AIDS to a convenient store clerk, I made the decision to be honest about my past, showing them how much I had matured and grown. Two Weeks ago I interviewed at a local grocery store for a position in the produce department. I was open and honest leaving with hope in my chest that the interview went well. As soon as I left, the guy who interviewed me called several people into his office, including a neighbor. He proceeded to look me up on google and read the articles about me. Cutting me up, judging me for my mistakes. Of course, I wasnt offered the job, did i mention the pay was minimum wage! Now you all can go look up what ever you want, and judge what ever you want. My question to you is, When is someone redeemed, forgiven, given a second chance? How am i supposed to support myself, if I cant get a job with a decent wage? I am super frustrated at myself for crating this fiasco, for putting myself in a place where these people can get their jollies in judging me. I am scared that i wont be able to support myself!

Hope

For the past few weeks as I have stuggles against myself I have at times turned inward in anger that I need permission to move north to take care and spend time with my father. Had I of not made the decision I made to hurt and harm another human being nearly 17 years ago now, I wouldn't of had to wait, still waiting for final approval that I can live with my Dad. I hate being out of control over something that seems so brainlessly the right thing to do. They, the parole department, still has the ability to tell me no eventhough I have moved all my stuff, been up here for two weeks today, and gave up my pad. That was its own fiasco.

Last night after several phone calls to my po I began to feel sick inside that I hasd somehow made things even more difficult, in attempting to make them smoother and easier. I was beginning to loose a little hope that this situation was going to work out.

I barely slept as my mind went over this, then over it again, then over it again. Then this morning, I decided to watch a movie I havent seen in years. I used to watch this movie once every six weeks as a part of the curriculum for the re-entry program at VSPW. Mr. Adams showed "Rudy" to every class as an example of a man who never gave up on his dreams. Rudy's dream was to play football for Notre Dame, the beset team in the country at the time. It took Rudy 28 years to get on the team as a walk on, then in the last game of his senior year he played the last 24 seconds, making him an official member of the team and his dream realized. The movie chronicles all the obstacles he overcame to get to that moment. I meet Rudy Reutiger several years ago, had a personal conversation with him. It took watching this movie to remind me that each painful moment passes in service to higher good. It is these trials that make me into a more compassionate young women.

I am reminded that it is my intention, my focus and my ability to navigate the world as a Samurai warrior. Willing to take on all learning trials, not in order to alleviate the fear enabling me to move forward, but rather to walk through the fear to learn everything I can from every situation. Most of all, I learned this morning, that each moment is the 24 second, and by goly, I am getting the opportunity to play. So play my entire heart and soul I will!

The sun continues to rise...

After three days of feeling lethargic and useless, all the emotions I have ketp bottled up inside came burgeling up to the surface where I could no longer deny their existence. There is a reason I am not in relationship with anyone else. None, not one as I mentioned earlier compares to He whom shall not be named. Once you have tasted the sweet nectar of Twin Flame love, everything else is like a $2 bottle of wine. I had made the decision that I was worth this amazing love, therefore, sentencing myself to being alone. He whom shall not be named is unavaiable, so by choice I choose to be alone.

Last night, after a little too much wine, I let the tremendous love I have for him come out, the pain I carry that I can not be with him, the fear that I will never find anything even close to this again. I skipped a dear friends memorial because I was already sad and depressed enough, and then I skipped two other dear friends birthday party because I would have been Debbie Downer for sure. I was just right for my own company. Me, myself and I had a lot to work out.

One thing being the loss of the dream I had that my life was in los Angeles. I have amde the decision to move back up north. even as I write this I know this is the perfect next move for me. I think the last three days have been about putting certain male ghosts to rest, so that I can find the happiness I deserve in my present!

There will come a time

there will come a time under heaven when all things will be brought into the light or revealed. there will come a time when loves will emerge and loves will vanish. A certain man is heavy on my mind for the past week. I work so hard to lock up this love and pretend that I am not fully, wholly in love with the man I havent seen in over 5 years. I wonder why no relationships have manifested for me. Yet in those silent moments when I am alone, and dare to be honest with myself I acknowledge that because no one, not one comes near the love I have for this man. Or what this man means to me. He is a Correctional Officer and therfore forbidden. Untouchable, something that needs to be forgotten, but the heart doesn't work that way.

On a cold winter's night I had the opportunity, the one opportunity to tell him how I really felt, and I chickened out. As I walked away from him that night, tears ran great rivers down my frozen cheeks. the last thing I wanted to do was the right thing, yet it was the very thing I chose to do. He was married and I had made that mistake already. How long would it take for me to learn to keep my hands to myself, no matter how perfect it felt to be near him.

Isn't that the perfect punishment. To find, to come upon the one person in life that is electric for you, only to have the choice to be selfish and get all of that love you can, or remove yourself because it is the mature and right thing to do. I think my decision to walk away from him, my abundent love for him tucked in my chest, barely behind my lips, was ultimately the thing that set me free.

I gained my physical freedom, at the cost of my heart, my love. I heard for years from the other woman how they were going ot get a piece of ass as soon as they got out. It has been almost three years and I only want one piece, his and I am willing to admit that now. the men I have been attracted to all had an aspect of Him, as I would get closer I would realize they are not what i am looking for.
I would rather be real and wait for this to manifest again, than hop into bed with the first nice man that walks my way.

am I crazy?

Changes

Hello All-

It has been far to long since I have posted anything. I created this blog as a mouth peice for my book: Trash or Treasure: The Power of Forgiveness. What I am lead to know is to actually use a blog for what it is supposed to be about. A forum to get out what I have to say.

For the past three months I have been scampering about trying to manifest a job that would support me in the beautiful city of angels. I spent hours everyday sending out resumes and talking to people on the phone. Securing an interview was never the problem, I acheived 23 of those in the first three months. The problem was no one wanted to seal the deal and actually give me a job. I think that this was juxt as much my problem as it was the employers. I had competing intentions. I was searching for a job because that is the way a good citizen lives their life out here. And God knows that I wanted to prove that I was a better than great citizen that deserved her place out here in society with all of you marvelous people.

I finally secured a job as an Optician at a high end optical shop in Manhatten Beach. Io be honest I didnt think the interview went that well. Mike called me at 8:30 on a Friday night and asked me when i could start. I started on Sunday. From the very beginning it just didn't feel right. Who I am now, didn't fit in. I had problems hard selling people and manipulating them into buying eyewear that they really didn't need or could find at a cheaper price. It only took me a few days to figure out this was not the job for me.I had made the decision to put my all into it. When he started handing me pamphlets for all the manufacturer's he carried and all I was to take all these items home, study them, bring them back so he could test me on them. I made it clear that he didnt pay me for my off time.

So, on the tenth day I walked in and told Mike that I was incredibly grateful for the opportunity of working with him. I was also clear that I was not the perfect fit. I was given my first paycheck, I walked out of the brightly lit store, got into my green car, drove my ass directly to the bank where I quickly deposited my check.

When I got home I created my own business that utilizes my own skills. Intuitive Cousneling by JoAnn. I am a trained Psychic, Medium and I talk to angels. So many friends have commented about not knowing I had these skills and I answer, I was laready enough of a freak. the prison girl, did I really want to be known as the prison girl who sees dead people?

My answer now is yes, befor a resounding no. I already had a big enough hill to climb. wouldn't you say?