Hope

For the past few weeks as I have stuggles against myself I have at times turned inward in anger that I need permission to move north to take care and spend time with my father. Had I of not made the decision I made to hurt and harm another human being nearly 17 years ago now, I wouldn't of had to wait, still waiting for final approval that I can live with my Dad. I hate being out of control over something that seems so brainlessly the right thing to do. They, the parole department, still has the ability to tell me no eventhough I have moved all my stuff, been up here for two weeks today, and gave up my pad. That was its own fiasco.

Last night after several phone calls to my po I began to feel sick inside that I hasd somehow made things even more difficult, in attempting to make them smoother and easier. I was beginning to loose a little hope that this situation was going to work out.

I barely slept as my mind went over this, then over it again, then over it again. Then this morning, I decided to watch a movie I havent seen in years. I used to watch this movie once every six weeks as a part of the curriculum for the re-entry program at VSPW. Mr. Adams showed "Rudy" to every class as an example of a man who never gave up on his dreams. Rudy's dream was to play football for Notre Dame, the beset team in the country at the time. It took Rudy 28 years to get on the team as a walk on, then in the last game of his senior year he played the last 24 seconds, making him an official member of the team and his dream realized. The movie chronicles all the obstacles he overcame to get to that moment. I meet Rudy Reutiger several years ago, had a personal conversation with him. It took watching this movie to remind me that each painful moment passes in service to higher good. It is these trials that make me into a more compassionate young women.

I am reminded that it is my intention, my focus and my ability to navigate the world as a Samurai warrior. Willing to take on all learning trials, not in order to alleviate the fear enabling me to move forward, but rather to walk through the fear to learn everything I can from every situation. Most of all, I learned this morning, that each moment is the 24 second, and by goly, I am getting the opportunity to play. So play my entire heart and soul I will!

The sun continues to rise...

After three days of feeling lethargic and useless, all the emotions I have ketp bottled up inside came burgeling up to the surface where I could no longer deny their existence. There is a reason I am not in relationship with anyone else. None, not one as I mentioned earlier compares to He whom shall not be named. Once you have tasted the sweet nectar of Twin Flame love, everything else is like a $2 bottle of wine. I had made the decision that I was worth this amazing love, therefore, sentencing myself to being alone. He whom shall not be named is unavaiable, so by choice I choose to be alone.

Last night, after a little too much wine, I let the tremendous love I have for him come out, the pain I carry that I can not be with him, the fear that I will never find anything even close to this again. I skipped a dear friends memorial because I was already sad and depressed enough, and then I skipped two other dear friends birthday party because I would have been Debbie Downer for sure. I was just right for my own company. Me, myself and I had a lot to work out.

One thing being the loss of the dream I had that my life was in los Angeles. I have amde the decision to move back up north. even as I write this I know this is the perfect next move for me. I think the last three days have been about putting certain male ghosts to rest, so that I can find the happiness I deserve in my present!

Changes

Hello All-

It has been far to long since I have posted anything. I created this blog as a mouth peice for my book: Trash or Treasure: The Power of Forgiveness. What I am lead to know is to actually use a blog for what it is supposed to be about. A forum to get out what I have to say.

For the past three months I have been scampering about trying to manifest a job that would support me in the beautiful city of angels. I spent hours everyday sending out resumes and talking to people on the phone. Securing an interview was never the problem, I acheived 23 of those in the first three months. The problem was no one wanted to seal the deal and actually give me a job. I think that this was juxt as much my problem as it was the employers. I had competing intentions. I was searching for a job because that is the way a good citizen lives their life out here. And God knows that I wanted to prove that I was a better than great citizen that deserved her place out here in society with all of you marvelous people.

I finally secured a job as an Optician at a high end optical shop in Manhatten Beach. Io be honest I didnt think the interview went that well. Mike called me at 8:30 on a Friday night and asked me when i could start. I started on Sunday. From the very beginning it just didn't feel right. Who I am now, didn't fit in. I had problems hard selling people and manipulating them into buying eyewear that they really didn't need or could find at a cheaper price. It only took me a few days to figure out this was not the job for me.I had made the decision to put my all into it. When he started handing me pamphlets for all the manufacturer's he carried and all I was to take all these items home, study them, bring them back so he could test me on them. I made it clear that he didnt pay me for my off time.

So, on the tenth day I walked in and told Mike that I was incredibly grateful for the opportunity of working with him. I was also clear that I was not the perfect fit. I was given my first paycheck, I walked out of the brightly lit store, got into my green car, drove my ass directly to the bank where I quickly deposited my check.

When I got home I created my own business that utilizes my own skills. Intuitive Cousneling by JoAnn. I am a trained Psychic, Medium and I talk to angels. So many friends have commented about not knowing I had these skills and I answer, I was laready enough of a freak. the prison girl, did I really want to be known as the prison girl who sees dead people?

My answer now is yes, befor a resounding no. I already had a big enough hill to climb. wouldn't you say?

Pricetag-what I sold myself for the attention of a man

The celebrating happened as soon as we got back to camp, the animal was hung and skinned, butchered right there in camp. The alcohol was passed around to adult and kid alike. I was fifteen and had as much tequila as the men. My Dad so happy in his celebration that he passed out where I was supposed to sleep and Roger was in the other bed so I was now out of a bed. Chris offered his tent and he would sleep outside the tent door. He had an extra sleeping bag so I took him up on his offer. Roger offered to make room for me in our camper, but I honestly thought the tent was a better option. I went into the tent and told Chris he could sleep inside the tent because it was really cold outside. I climbed into the sleeping bag with Chris in his beside me. It wasn’t long before we were talking about how sore we were from the day and he offered to give me a massage. I was nervous but it was just a massage and he was married he was just being kind. I knew I wouldn’t let it go too far because I had my lower stomach wrapped in two ace bandages to make it flat. I was not about to let him see that. I rolled over and he began to massage my back. After a minute he commented that it would be easier if I took off my shirt which I did, still worried that he would discover my ace bandage secret. After a few minutes, he stopped and laid down next to me, I was so relaxed and still flying high on all the tequila that I was glad when he finally kissed me. At least I was in control this time; I was making the choice to have sex with this man.
What a powerful feeling! I slipped out of my camopants, red shorts and teen undies. I prayed that he didn’t notice the ace bandages I didn’t have time to unravel. It didn’t matter his hand touched the coil restricting my middle asked me what it was. I told him it didn’t matter and on we went. What I learned from that night was how different the experience was when I made the choice to participate and not be forced into participating. I fell in love with him in my fifteen year old way, pretending that he was Patrick Swayze in dirty dancing and I was his Jennifer grey. I just knew he loved me because he had made love to me, soon enough though I realized this was not the case. On the drive home he behaved like He barely knew me, not touching or talking to me, my already broken heart broke a little bit more. I had daydreamed for a day and half that this knight would save me from my step brother, but this was not to be the case. In fact, I never spent a minute alone with Chris, even though he became an employee at my parent’s archery shop two years later.
The next morning I emerged from Chris’s tent and headed to the showers. It was early, no one else was up, I needed to wash his long shooting cum out of my hair and re wrap my middle for the day’s activities. As I emerged from the crude bathroom all cleaned up the ranch managers son a boy two years older than me was stoking the fire, gave me a strange look. I knew that he had heard what occurred between Chris and I the night before.