Hope

For the past few weeks as I have stuggles against myself I have at times turned inward in anger that I need permission to move north to take care and spend time with my father. Had I of not made the decision I made to hurt and harm another human being nearly 17 years ago now, I wouldn't of had to wait, still waiting for final approval that I can live with my Dad. I hate being out of control over something that seems so brainlessly the right thing to do. They, the parole department, still has the ability to tell me no eventhough I have moved all my stuff, been up here for two weeks today, and gave up my pad. That was its own fiasco.

Last night after several phone calls to my po I began to feel sick inside that I hasd somehow made things even more difficult, in attempting to make them smoother and easier. I was beginning to loose a little hope that this situation was going to work out.

I barely slept as my mind went over this, then over it again, then over it again. Then this morning, I decided to watch a movie I havent seen in years. I used to watch this movie once every six weeks as a part of the curriculum for the re-entry program at VSPW. Mr. Adams showed "Rudy" to every class as an example of a man who never gave up on his dreams. Rudy's dream was to play football for Notre Dame, the beset team in the country at the time. It took Rudy 28 years to get on the team as a walk on, then in the last game of his senior year he played the last 24 seconds, making him an official member of the team and his dream realized. The movie chronicles all the obstacles he overcame to get to that moment. I meet Rudy Reutiger several years ago, had a personal conversation with him. It took watching this movie to remind me that each painful moment passes in service to higher good. It is these trials that make me into a more compassionate young women.

I am reminded that it is my intention, my focus and my ability to navigate the world as a Samurai warrior. Willing to take on all learning trials, not in order to alleviate the fear enabling me to move forward, but rather to walk through the fear to learn everything I can from every situation. Most of all, I learned this morning, that each moment is the 24 second, and by goly, I am getting the opportunity to play. So play my entire heart and soul I will!