Tired of Hiding

A few weeks ago, two to be exact i was sitting on my ass feeling really bad about myself. What was i going to do to support myself and my ill father if i couldn't even get a job at a gas station. What was i going to do. I had omitted my felony to Kohls and got fired because of that decision to lie about my past. So, i had made up my mind to be honest in all interviews, and i am still unemployed. Getting interviews is easy, it is landing the position that proves fleeting. I have put a lot of effort into hiding a huge part of what has shaped me for the last two years. Afraid to mention the wrong thing at work and be discovered. Afraid of saying the wrong thing on facebook and being discovered by my "Friends" who don't know. A big part of my hiding is that i just wanted to be done with it. Tired of being identifed as the girl who shot her lover's wife, went to prison. I beleived that when i earned my freedom i could move on, was told to move on, yet how do i do that when im sitting in a small office in a run down gas station talking about my actions from 18 years ago. Only to be told the job was not mine. So i decided to get out my own challenges knowing i must not be the only one. Last night i was asked if i had gotten any bad reactions to what i have written in the last two weeks. And my first thought was worse than being judged by a gas station worker? Being judged by a grocery store manager. I cant fight Google, if you want to hate me or judge me Google has all the reason you could ever need. Im exhausted running away from something so damn permanent. Instead i think im going to ride the truth. Not just the "Google" Truth, but my own as well. What if is took this time of challenge to speak out about how hard i have to work to prove my worth out here. What if I stepped out in my truth, perhaps a few would have theier eyes opened that redemption, learning, growth and maturation is possible in someone who did something so horrendoues. What if i in documeting how crappy this feels, another person just getting out will stumble upon what i have written here and will find encouragment that they are not alone? What if this lament gives them hope to keep getting up when the stuggle seems to much? That would make all of this worth it, right? In the past two weeks i have had the most incredible responses from the least likely of people. It seems i have something to learn about being judgemental myself. I assumed that all the people who knew me before crime (bc) hated me and this has not been the case. I have been encouraged to keep on, valued that my struggle is worth something. I wish all of you could know that my goal in life is heal people, healed people, heal people, this i know for sure. Thank you for your support! I am done hiding, instead im going to focus on becoming...

Is a Masters Degree enough?

I am thankful for all of the wonderful people who wrote me encouraging words to not give up and believe that all of this is so i can be of service to others. All of which I heard, what I need is a JOB. I stuggle with knowing that I am a great counselor, especially with my background coupled with my education. My felony however, precludes me from this avenue of service. So, in an effort to show I am willing to do anything I applied to work at McDonalds, and a Gas Station, and several others, all of whom declined to hire becuase of my past. I think about this being so difficult for me how bad must it be for those who have no family support, or ability to get higher education. I am lucky because my only dependents are my ill father and my 3 dogs. Everyone is full of advice or platitudes about keeping my chin up, or all of this will be used for good, not evil. Good, I can be of service homeless. That is showing what a "Good Citizen" I am. I worked extremely hard upon my release, for almost two years i attended 3 different colleges to complete my Bachelors Degree in Business and my Master's Degree in Psychology. Taking 24 units a semester to complete both of these degrees in 3 years. I thought such dedication and determination to educate myself would out weigh my decisions from nealry 19 years ago. I am devastated by how wrong I was. Nothing takes away from or soothes over my mistake. Did i waste my time in getting two degrees? Personally, I feel I accomplished something pretty great, great for any normal person, let alone someone who had just gotten out of the big house. I hoped that my future employers would value this desire to be the best JoAnn i can be. I am so beaten down by the encompassing judgement that i just feel like i wasted my time. A friend quoted to me that it doesn't matter how many times we fall down, but how we get up, every time I am denied a job, I apply for another. I know i am Good Enough, just looking for the person who knows it as well.

Frustration!

I just realized how long it has been since I wrote anything on here. My last post was not long after I graduated from the University of Santa Monica with a Master's Degree in Spiritual Psychology. I had moved down to LA to be closer to my USM peeps, my tribe. Within a few months, my dad fell ill and I made the decision to pack myself up and move 12 hours north to take care of him. Almost as soon as I arrived my new Parole Officer was on me about finding a job. I had no problem getting interviews, had more than i can count, was honest about my felony from at that time more than 16 years prior, yet no one extended me an offer of employment. So, I made the decision to Omit my felony when applying to Kohls Department Store. There is always the question, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony, and if so when and where and give a brief description." I said NO. I was hired within a week to work in the Customer Service Department. Within two months I was given the added responsibilty of the Cash Office, which is counting all the money incoming and outgoing. I did my best for 14 months, kept trying to move my way up. Everytime I applied for a promotion, I was told they needed me in were I was because I was so good at it. Then in late March 2012, I got to work at 5:45 in the morning. At promptly 6am I was pulled into the Managers office and told they did a further background check finding my felony. He fired me for lying on my job application. Since then I have interviewed for jobs ranging from a Counselor position for people diagnosed with HIV/AIDS to a convenient store clerk, I made the decision to be honest about my past, showing them how much I had matured and grown. Two Weeks ago I interviewed at a local grocery store for a position in the produce department. I was open and honest leaving with hope in my chest that the interview went well. As soon as I left, the guy who interviewed me called several people into his office, including a neighbor. He proceeded to look me up on google and read the articles about me. Cutting me up, judging me for my mistakes. Of course, I wasnt offered the job, did i mention the pay was minimum wage! Now you all can go look up what ever you want, and judge what ever you want. My question to you is, When is someone redeemed, forgiven, given a second chance? How am i supposed to support myself, if I cant get a job with a decent wage? I am super frustrated at myself for crating this fiasco, for putting myself in a place where these people can get their jollies in judging me. I am scared that i wont be able to support myself!